Cycle Vancouver

Talton Ave

Are you lost? Did you get trapped at the end of 164th heading towards Camas and need to get back to West Vancouver? While the angry villagers from Save our Streets attempt to pitchfork your bike tires, please remember the merciless yet forgiving hill Talton Ave. While Cascade Park NIMBYs have been shaking their fists at plans for development on 34th St, local cyclists are pumping their fists and chanting, “Finally. Finally, I can safely connect to Cascade Park Drive and get my ass up Talton and back into the McGillvray network.” After navigating the tore up surface on Cascade Park Drive past the Shell Station and Fisher’s Landing Transit Center, you will be parallel HWY 14 and begin the 128 ft climb back to McGillvray. Ain’t so bad, and aside from shitty parking, you have a lot of space. The worst part might be if you have to turn left onto McGillvray but that is always the worst part. Not to be an empirically biased asshole, but I have never had a problem at this one 😉

87th Ave

Oh jeez 87th Ave, you’re so great you make me want more. Why do you end at a really cool bus stop and the world’s narrowest sidewalk? Or why is your other end at one of the worst traffic signals in Clark County? It’s okay, we’ll start with the positives. 87th Ave will get you from Fourth Plain to Mill Plain and connect you with loads of safe back roads and the BBC trail along the way. It’s also socially acceptable to be on this road in the minds of the community, so you are given more breadth and sometimes pedestrians will even smile and give you the head nod. However, watch for blind spots and don’t get too comfortable. Drivers use this area as a cut through and people going to doctors appointments at the many clinics and the hospital on Mill Plain are not paying attention.

98th Ave

If you regularly haul your ass up 87th and are feeling a little burned out, let me introduce you to 87th’s cool friend 98th. Yes, the four-way stops along the way can be killers, but watch your back and you will be fine. Less traffic overall than 87th and if you are traveling from Mill Plain to 28th St and turning left the light is on an induction loop and will actually change for a bicycle. This will never happen for you on 87th Ave. Trust me, you could literally ride up and down 98th twice in the time you would be waiting for the light on 87th and Fourth Plain to change. Although 98th has its perks, it’s also more likely to have debris in the road and its one of those bike lanes I’m pretty sure public works pretends they’ve never heard of.

Mackensie Hill/136th

Riding east down 28th St/Burton Road is pretty cool until you get to 136th and you have to make some choices. Obviously, those choices involve where you are trying to go. If you are travelling east towards Mill Plain you could decide to go right on 136th. If you do, Mackensie Hill is not that bad my friend, in fact rest at ease, the only thing you need to worry about is getting mowed down by the drivers coming up on 18th St, Firstenberg, and later when the bike lane unexpectedly narrows even more you will see the memorial sign for cyclist Daniel Jackson who was hit and killed in the spot you are riding. If you are traveling down the hill from Mill Plain you will notice your risk increase passing Winco, and of course the crazies popping out of the DMV. There has never been a time I have rode between 136th and 28th and said to myself “this is fun”.

162nd

Okay so you were going east down 28th and decided not to turn right on Mackensie Hill because of everything I just said about it. You want to take 162nd instead. Are you sure? Now I bet you are pissed at me because I didn’t tell you that right after you pass Burton Elementary the bike lane and the shoulder ends, and from what I can tell the actual speed everyone likes to drive is 50 MPH. Okay now you are really mad, but don’t worry I have rode this strip at least 100 times and never died. However, you might want to have a plan though on how you are going to turn right. If there is a lot of traffic I might recommend that sidewalk, but if there isn’t anybody, it’s better to turn right on the road because if you get on that sidewalk its hard to get off and there are always pedestrians there. Okay, so you made the turn and have reached the actual hill I am writing about. The 162nd hill, which like 136th really isn’t shit. However, there will be the moment where you are like “damn I’m doing this shit and its so much better than 136th” and then you will see the largest sewer manhole cover embedded deep in the ground whose width takes up the entire bike lane, and you will question living in Vancouver. You might even wonder why there is no shoulder or bike lane on the part of 28th you barely survived to get to 162nd hill and when you ask everyone they will say that the sewer line is such a mess in that area, no one wants to touch that project. Next hill.

Columbia

Columbia is a dirty word for some. If it is for you, you are probably not reading this. Lets focus on the hill aspect. This is the best hill to start on and learn skills for urban riding, such as controlling yourself at stops and getting comfortable with your gears. In fact, you will stop thinking of Columbia as a hill. The only reason I mention it is because I like dirty words.

Kauffman

Like 87th Ave, Kauffman you are so great but could be a lot cooler. Kauffman connects to everything and is a gradual hill. The frustration with Kauffman, like most hills, is that the traffic signals suck for cyclists, especially for a morning commute in inclement weather, you might as well be a ghost. However, I quite love riding down Kauffman in the afternoon, people in that neighborhood actually leave their houses and walk around. I think Vancouver residents in the Lincoln neighborhood should do an exchange program with the residents of Cascade Park in hopes some sense of community could rub off on them.

Brandt

Brandt is for special occasions only. Like I don’t want to know how you ended up here, just watch your back and get your ass up the hill. Oh yeah and when you almost think you are done there will be more and right when you think you might throw up you will be at Mill Plain and everything is beautiful. If you survive the parking along that corridor and the occasional police chase you are a fuckin bad ass, but don’t make riding Brandt a regular habit because “its one of those only a matter of time” roads.

Devine

Speaking of hills where “its only a matter of time before you die” there is Devine. This is definitely one of those hills where I am like how do people like this at all? The only thing I think Devine might have going for it is that maybe drivers avoid it because it is a common cycling corridor. Other than that it scares the crap outta me and I have never rode up it. Yeah, I should probably be kicked out of the cycling community for that and trust me as I write this I know I am being a little bitch. I will before I’m forty, I promise. Just want to mention that Devine is actually a fantastic connector, especially for BBC accessibility. Devine is my personal problem and doesn’t have to be yours.

Mcloughlin

Vancouver’s greatest hill, right near our beloved Community College and the entrance to downtown. Children, I remember back in the day before they put those speed bumps in and you could fly down Mcloughlin. I loved it. I’m all for safety, but going up Mcloughlin was a hell of a lot easier without the bumps. Just sayin. Mcloughlin has a lot of character and people expect you there and for the most part drive respectfully. There is also a giant Great Dane that sits on a table at the bottom of the hill and will greet you. Been there for years and has a kind disposition. I even got hit by a car here and it’s still my favorite hill.

Blandford

When is everyone going to get a clue and make this a greenway? Amazing to ride down during the day. If you ride up at night you take your life in your hands with intoxicated and distracted drivers. In fact when I am traveling down Macarthur one of the most frightening things is the intersection with Blandford because of the way people tear out of the intersection and literally can’t see you. I’ve had multiple close calls there, including with a police vehicle. Aside from that BS, Blandford is fun and beautiful and a great way to connect to Evergreen and Columbia House Blvds.

Grand

Grand is my sensei. I worked over a decade on the waterfront and no matter what I had to haul my ass up that hill if I wanted to get home. I saved thousands of dollars on gym, therapy, rehab, doctor’s bills. Just Grand forever. Grand for life fuckin your wife. Blackout drunk, stone cold sober, hungry as fuck, full from a big meal. With music mostly, but sometimes without. Rain, snow, wind, hail, blood, sweat, tears, groceries, I carried it all. I want to tell you two Grand stories that mean some shit to me.

When I first started year round cycle commuting I would walk my bike from Grand reserve street to the top of Mcloughlin and Grand. It was definitely psychological, as most hills are. Like I probably could of easily rode that I just didn’t think I could. I was also going through a really hard time; break-up, new job, broke as fuck, take your pick. I was also in a place where I thought I could melt into the ground and no one would give a fuck. One day I was doing my walk part, and this old dude came up to me and handed me a red Gatorade and said he saw me everyday and thought it was so cool that I rode my bike everyday to work. I couldn’t believe it, and that he was giving me a free Gatorade, like holy shit. I would see this guy almost everyday and him and his family would wave at me for years and I even waited on him a couple times at work. Obviously, this was a simple kindness that went a long way for a loser like me, but it was also the beginning of me realizing that I was part of the community just by being out on my bike. People genuinely liked it and told me about it. People would come up and tell me they wished they could commute on bike and talk about where they thought they saw me. It blew my mind because with all the adrenaline, defensive riding, and close calls you get used to the hate and ignorance and you have to be ready to survive it. But, this particular Grand moment was the beginning of me realizing the love. Thanks Old Neighbor!

Okay my other Grand story takes place almost ten years later on the same part of the hill on Grand between Grand Reserve Street and Mcloughlin. I would regularly get off work between 12am and 1am on Fridays and for the past four Fridays I would come across these two cyclists walking up Grand abreast; one on the sidewalk and one in the bike lane with their bikes. Sooo fuckin annoying, especially when you are riding up a hill and the driving lane is loaded with cars. Before when I had encountered them I was able to go around because there were no cars and it was no big deal aside from a slight irritation. This particular night I was lit up from waiting tables for ten hours on a Friday in summer heat with no AC. I was in a “no shit” mood and there was a smattering of cars traveling up the hill. When I saw those fuckers (cyclists that should have been on my team) doing their thing I let loose howling “Excuse me, Excuse me.” The cyclist walking his bike in the bike lane whipped around and I slowed my climb a bit as he hauled his bike on the sidewalk and as I passed he looked at me and then looked at my bike and looked back at me pissed the fuck off.

I recognized that particular look too. The fool cyclist turned around saw I was a woman, couldn’t understand how I could be doing something he believes he physically can’t. (He probably can, he just doesn’t get it like me on this same part of the hill years before) He looks to see if my bike is an e-bike, sees that it is not, and proceeds to be an angry bitch. It’s the same look people sometimes give me on my feet to see if I’m wearing heels because I’m taller than they think I should be. Goddamit his pissed off look felt so good, and maybe the whole incident was encouraging for him. Who knows?

I never saw those fools again by the way, so whatever. Grand is my hill, so they can stay the fuck off it. Actually there is this guy I have seen ride up Grand over and over again consecutively for some kind of training and its crazy to watch, so its probably his hill. Actually, I think a lot of people have Grand stories, like I totally have more to share but you are probably so excited to ride out there right now I will let you go do that. Be safe and change your gears dummy.